turning it around

I've been in a mood lately. On the outside, I'm normal and everything is just wonderful [because it is], but on the inside, I'm bitter. And it's ugly.

I recently had to pick up a second job to help pay our bills. My first job is only 16 hours each week, so I have plenty of time to work another job, but all I've been doing is complaining: whining to Ben, whining to my family, dreading going in for each shift. It's frustrating when I think about our situation quickly because the Air Force pays Ben to go to school each week. He earns us income by being student and I get jealous that I actually have to work to help support us. I realize that this makes me sound like a lazy, spoiled brat, but I'm trying to be honest here. Sometimes I'm exactly that. My new job is hosting at a chain restaurant and I actually think I like it. The work is easy and perfect for my personality, and I get to work with one of my best friends. It's just not the hours that I want to work, so I complain.

But you know what? I'm lucky that I have two jobs, let alone one. For the beginning part of the summer, Ben was the only one making us any money and I felt so lame, just mooching off of him. I'm glad that I can find work and I'm thankful that I can make money for our little family. And that friend that I get to work with at my hosting job? He recommended me and helped me get this job. I'm thankful for him helping me out.

The day that I started this new gig, I was getting changed, whining about having to give up my Saturday afternoon to go do something lame while Ben got to sit around and watch tv, like a normal person does on weekends.  I was bitching about having to wear dress clothes, complaining about being tired and hungry, whining about having to work at all. And Ben, clearly annoyed with me, said "sweetie, can you just do this for us?". I sighed and said "yeah, whatever", but that little request from him has been eating away at me since.

I don't want to work. I don't want to clean up Ben's messes or stay up late keeping him company when he has homework to do and I'm tired. But you know what? This is what I signed up for. In marrying Ben, I signed up for a partnership, I signed up for putting him first, and I signed up for working as part of the team. As much as I may dislike working on a Friday night when we'd normally be out doing fun things, this is what our team needs right now. So every night this weekend, while I'm off doing my hosting duties, and Ben is out drinking with our friends or other such fun activity, I'm going to try not to be bitter. I'm going to try to remember that I'm doing this for our team, and that I love my teammate with everything I have, so that should be enough for me.

I'm going to try to remember to do every small thing for my husband with great love, even when I have dirty dish juice splashed on my clothes and guests annoyed with me that they have to wait 30 minutes for a table. I'm doing this for us.

 from here


Anonymous said...

aw. i love you. and your honesty. you are such a beautiful person. and i lol'd at "dish juice". you have no idea all of the nasty crud i get on me in the course of one day waitressing. and i can totally relate to you on this whole post. i've just recently gotten better at trying to "do small things with great love". i HATE doing chores around the house, like dishes and laundry stuff, that corey used to do (i know, i know. awesome housewife he is) but now that he's started his new job he's too tired when he gets home, so i try to make sure he doesn't even have to worry about it. it'll get better girl.

Kim said...

Awww girl, you can do it. Don't feel bad about being bitter, this whole post is so great! Recognizing you're getting bitter (rather than letting it totally consume your existence) is totally healthy. It warns you that it's time for an attitude adjustment or even just a change of pace. It's hard when it seems like someone else has it so much easier. I struggled a lot with this last year because my boyfriend "only" worked a 40hr a week job (I was still getting my masters & working). It's good that you recognized it early & are brave enough to just admit it.

Plus, a good healthy vent sesh every once in a while can always help. :)

Sarah :: Your Plucky Picaroon said...

It's good to get it out there, girl! Sometimes we just need to vent and there's nothing wrong with that. It sounds like you've got a good grip on how important perspective is! One of my favorite quotes is, "If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change the way you think about it." Hope that helps! Hang in there!! (and know how very normal it is to feel this way sometimes!)


Bohemian Beautiful said...

aww *hugs*, working outside of normal people hours sucks. I used to work in retail on weekends when all my friends were going to the beach and that was sucky!!! I hope the second job helps :) and sometimes it just helps to vent and get it out of your system! xo

choosing{life} said...

You're pretty great :) I can definitely relate to the not loving job situations. But you're right in that a) we're lucky to be employed when so many people cannot find work, and b) marriage is a partnership and sometimes we have to take one for the team. Hopefully this period of working jobs we don't like will be short, and in many years when we're looking back over our marriage this period will seem an insignificant cost for the years of happiness we found in our marriages and eventual jobs we will work and love.

bethany said...

Exactly...to all of this. Although I'm not in a similar situation with employment, I feel much the same attitude about being in a foreign country. Sometimes I bitch (can I say that?) about it being hot, culturally weird, or whine about having nothing to do...or vent about not being able to wear what I used to, do what I used to...be who I used to.

With marriage comes a whole ton of change + stress! And sometimes it totally makes you want to crab at someone...and usually it's directed at the person right next to you--your husband. There have been times that I've thought, "I can't believe Gabe made me come here. He took me out of my fun, cushy life...and HERE I am. And it's his fault."

But like you said...during those times you've just got to remember that you're a team. And we each make different sacrifices + pull different types of emotional weight to make it work!

But some days that doesn't make it any easier. ;)

My best friend and I were dishing on the phone last night, and at the end each of us concluded with a totally ineloquent, "Marriage...IS HARD DUDE!" She's been married 5 years, so it seems that although it gets easier, it's still a complicated dance. :)

bethany said...

P.S. Looooongest comment ever! ;)

Amanda Schroeder said...

This was cute. It's amazing how many changes you really do have to deal with. Or should I say changes you are blessed with? It's a good thing...but definitely still stressful.

Erin Marie said...

thanks for sharing this! i just picked up a tutoring job three nights a week (one of them being friday) and i've been crabby about it because frankly after working 40 hrs a week i'm kind of over it. but there are so many people without jobs and are freaking out about money (i was one of them last week) but now we have two. so we can count ourselves blessed and be thankful that i can buy candy at the grocery store if i want to. ;)

Katya said...

I love this and can totally relate. Thank you for being an honest blogger! I keep being sad about Aaron being really busy with med school and not being around to help out with different things, but you know what, this is what I signed up for, too. Thanks for the good reminder to be grateful for what we have.